Tentacular Industries is proud to announce the deployment of a revolutionary new access control technology... GUARDIAN 2000. To learn more about this cutting-edge solution, read on.

Millions of people around the world live in constant fear that their children, employees, servants, serfs, followers, or believers will stumble upon web-based content that will warp their fragile minds, driving them to worship false gods, have sex with unspeakable Things, sell their souls in exchange for a few weeks of pleasure under the electrodes, or use mind-altering chemicals.

The Internet is a hotbed of such distorting influences - here are some of the more disturbing groups which posess websites (links included solely to document our claims. We do not recommend actually *following* any of them):

• The followers of a rebel god who, they believe, will exterminate all humanity except for the chosen few hybrids of humanity and Abominable Snowmen. (link)
• A self-described alien sex cult whose leadership promotes sexual activities with interdimensional forces. (link)
• Drug legalization activists (link)
• A religion which claims the Creator ordered them to practice ritual cannibalism.
• Thousands upon thousands of porn sites.
• Pirated software by the tonne.
• Hordes of pedophiles. (link)

Needless to say, this demands a solution. Many of our esteemed colleagues have attempted to design a software solution to this problem - however, all blocking software available can ultimately be disabled by the user. And when the user is an adolescent male, he *CERTAINLY* is not qualified to decide what sites are and are not appropriate for him to see! Further, even if the software is somehow too difficult to disable (it rarely is; occasionally, however, the risk of getting caught is too great for the user), the user can still go to other people's computers which are not adequately protected against prurient content.

For years, the challenge seemed insurmountable... but not any longer. Taking advantage of recent work in the field of low-power handheld and wearable computers combined with classical psychological research, and the success of our recent closed beta-test, Guardian 2000 is finally ready for the marketplace.

HOW IT WORKS:

Guardian 2000 is a compact 'wearable' computer which communicates using safe low-frequency microwaves with its peripherals scattered around the body of the user. The main station straps comfortably around the wearer's neck; sensory/stimulative electrode units are available which will connect snugly to the user's genitals and/or forehead. A USB base station connects neatly to any standard PC or Macintosh; upon installation of the software, the USB base station will send a regular signal to the Guardian 2000 main unit. If the monitoring software detects prurient contact or attempts to disable it, an electrical charge in proportion to the prurience of the content detected will be applied to the user. This gentle electrical shock will, over time, condition your child or employee to avoid prurient content - ultimately, she or he will avoid prurient content, even if the Guardian 2000 unit is temporarily disconnected. In the event of an attempt to disable the software, the charge applied to the subject will increase steadily until the subject becomes unconscious or ceases to attempt to disable the software. Even in the unlikely event of software or hardware malfunction, Guardian 2000 will continue to protect your child - if the base station fails to send signals to the main unit within the allotted time, the base unit will simply apply charge until your child is sleeping peacefully, unable to be harmed by any prurient content on the Internet.

As with any computerized data-parsing system, there are limitations. It is sometimes hard to determine whether content is appropriate or not. No algorythm is perfect, and no computer can match the skill of the human brain. To ensure that your child is fully protected, we strongly recommend the optional add-on electrode packs. The forehead-mounted one monitors brainwave patterns and skin temperature to detect the flushing caused by prurient thoughts and the increased erratic brainwave activity triggered by black magic or drug-related sites. The genitally-mounted electrode pack detects inappropriate sexual arousal (which, if your child is unmarried, is *ANY* sexual arousal.) and ensures that your child is properly protected by the patented Guardian 2000 system. As an added bonus, with the two electrode packs properly installed, your child is protected against prurient or drug-related activity that they might otherwise be able to engage in even without the use of the Internet.

Ordering information will be available shortly.

To demonstrate the patented seamlessness and unobtrusiveness of the Guardian 2000 child-protection solution, a demonstration version is available here. To enable it, just click.