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deekoo APRIL III, MMIVThe Atlanta Gazetteer-Reporter today reported the arrest of several unidentified Texan vagrants on suspicion of crossing state lines, conspiracy to commit hate crimes, resisting arrest, and public drunkenness, lewdness, obscenity, and loitering. The victim, noted public figure and one-time Presidential candidate David Duke, was watering his gardenias when he heard a loud clattering noise from his front lawn. Rushing inside to look for his shotgun, he tripped over an abnormally large pink stuffed poodle that he alleges that either the vagrants or his estranged cousin placed between a buffet and an empty liquor cabinet. By the time he reached his front door, the vagrants had succeeded in erecting an enormous stainless-steel Dobbshead and were attempting without much success to set fire to it. Mr. Duke said "I then waved my shotgun around wildly and fired in their general direction in the hopes of dispersing these disturbingly dressed persons. Unfortunately, I had neglected to load the shotgun; it was sheer luck alone that caused them to become immobilized with laughter long enough for the police to arrive.". He asserts that he intends to prosecute this "egregious offense against the public morals to the fullest extent permitted by law and then some.". But a member of the town Klan chapter was doubtful. "While I certainly agree that a White man has the right to live in peace without freaks burning religious symbols on his property, I've gotta say that if anyone deserves it it'd be Dave. Ever since that incident last summer, he's been driving the rest of us bonkers. This is the fifth time this year that he's called the vigilance comittee about freaks on his property. First it was Mormons burning an ummim on his lawn. Then it was Satanists burning a pentagram. Then it was Atheists, and when we got there they weren't burning anything at all. Then it was Nazis burning a swastika, but when we got there it was just some punks having a barbecue. Then last week he called us about witches burning bras. I've gotta tell you, the guy's a couple beers short of a six-pack." "You mean he's nuts?", this reporter asked. "No, not that bad. It's just that last time he was s'posed to bring the beer, half the six-packs he'd bought were five-packs when he got to the picnic. He's a fuckin' LUSH. Pardon my French." But a representative of the sheriff's department was a bit more decisive: "Sure, Duke's been wasting taxpayer dollars on stupid calls for the past few months. But these vagrants have a record a mile long. Priors for everything from drug smuggling to double-parking to downloading music. I'm just glad we've finally got a one-strikes law down here." A noted expert observed that the vagrants will probably go with a variant of the irresponsibility defense. "They will probably argue that these impressionable drunks were led astray by exposure to the image of a flaming Dobbshead in a popular screen saver for the Linux operating system, which is popularly used by hackers, pirates, and other low-lives.". The expert went on to observe that "This is a more and more frequent pattern. Unlicensed copies of the Linux operating system are encouraging dangerous behaviour. We are particularly concerned with reports that adolescents are using this software in growing numbers, and encourage concerned parents to seek professional help if their children are using this operating system."
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